Perhaps I’ll Start Somewhere Simple

It’s November. I’ll be honest: November 1st, I woke up to snow-covered everything with more falling, and I was not happy. I dislike the cold months for their dreariness and their coldness and everything that comes with it for me: social anxiety, depression, and a lack of income because my position is seasonal thanks to living in a small tourist town.

However, I’m aiming to change that this winter.

I’ve got plans. Goals. Ways to make not only this winter better, but also my near and distant future. Hopefully.

But enough of that. My goal here is to be honest with myself and those who choose to read this because I’m much better at being honest on paper than in person. It’s something I’m working on.

I learned young through multiple sources that who I was was not someone others wanted me to be, and as an impressionable and immensely sensitive being, I became really good at being who I needed to be in any given situation and how to hide myself behind whatever disguise I thought would best suit a situation. It’s been helpful, but it has been far more destructive.

There have been years where I felt truly myself and years where I couldn’t remember what that even meant. But these past couple years have been months of healing on multiple levels, and I am confident that this is one more step forward.

So, this experiment? Here’s how it’s going to go:

1. I have printed off a Depression Tracker I found online. It has a symptoms checklist, a daily sadness meter, and a daily tracking section for sleep and weight gain/loss. The idea is to fill that out and compare it to a couple other things I’ll be tracking.
2. Because of the dreary weather and the lack of sunlight in the winter where I’m at, I’ve been taking Vitamin D supplements. I plan to track the days that I take those and compare them to the depression tracker mood section. I’m deciding whether or not to take other supplements, and I will track those as well if I decide to do that.
3. It seems like a good idea to track my diet and exercise as well, but I don’t know how in-depth I want to be for that, and honestly, I probably won’t remember those. I am not disciplined that well. Something else to work on? Maybe I should just track meals. I am not a person to track time well, and that means that I don’t always remember to eat.
4. Emotional evaluations are vital to this. I have been emotionally negligent and derogative for so long that I’m not sure I would recognize a true emotion if it stared me in the face. This is one of the things I have been working on for that past few years. I have made a lot of progress, but there is still a long way to go. So I will keep a journal to track my moods, hopefully in the morning and the evening, and I will compare those to the symptom tracker to draw conclusions.
5. The main point of this experiment is self-discovery. That will be important to follow along with and record in my entries. Discoveries, encouragements, things that impact me that I didn’t think would.
6. Keep focused. I have such trouble with that, but that is the only way to get through this with maximum effect and growth.

The main purpose of this experiment, as I stated, is increased self-awareness and self-discovery, but there are plenty of other things to be aware of while I go through this.

Here is a link to the Depression Tracker I’m using for anyone who wishes to try it for themselves. There’s not a wrong way to fill this thing out. Use it in your best interests. I do not have proof that it works or changes anything as I am not a doctor or counselor or therapist, but I think it’s a neat thing to use for reference.

Be sure to follow along my journey if you’re interested! Subscribe for updates or follow me on Twitter @allfortheboes!