Perhaps Something Will Come of This

I’m proud of myself. This experiment didn’t go as planned, but that doesn’t mean it was a failure. I actually discovered a few things about myself, and I hope that by following along, maybe you learned some things about yourself as well.

This experiment has mainly taught me how undisciplined I truly am, and with all that is happening or not happening, now is as good a time as any to build some.

This requires dedication and patience.

A week or two ago, I bought some fish, and it turns out that two of those fish are pregnant. What luck. (Heavy sarcasm. What am I to do with one hundred extra fish that I do not have room for?)

Watching those fish for signs of labor has become a kind of pastime for me. I’ve done all the research. I know what to look for, and these fish are definitely close, but I have no way of knowing how close until they actually start popping out babies. These fish are livebearers to boot, so there won’t just be a pile of eggs somewhere to keep an eye on.

This experience shows me that I can have dedication, but that to pair dedication with patience is a difficult thing. I want results, but I can’t rush this.

Anticipation is an old “friend” of mine. We have a love-hate relationship. I love the buildup of the tension and expectation but I hate the anxiety and the worry.

Alongside the development of discipline and patience, I’ve also realized that I need to develop and decide priorities. The things that I dedicate my time to are not really the things that I want for my life. They’re temporary distractions that I find appealing and fun but not long-term.

What is important to me? What are some skills I’d like to intentionally develop? What are some things I could do now that would help me later on?

These are all questions I’ve been avoiding for too long. The answers aren’t far. I’ve thought them through a little bit, but I never acted on them.

And now it’s been three or four years since the actions I wanted to take would be relevant. As always, I wait too long to make crucial decisions. I overthink them. I underthink them and put them off. It’s one or the other, and neither is helpful or beneficial.

I want to be the kind of person who confronts instead of evades. I know I have the capabilities, but I lack the conviction and confidence to follow through.

Some of you might disagree with this, but on things that I find either important or potentially offensive, I am not forthcoming. Or if I feel like I might be judged for something I care about. Or if I’m uncertain of the people I’m around. Or the place that I’m in.

There are too many ifs. I don’t like it. But with practice and purpose, I can change that. Perhaps.

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